An Unexpected Lift

An Unexpected Lift

We’ve all experienced tough times.  Really tough painful almost unbearable times.  And the older you get the less surprised you may be about the possibility of them.  Age and experience however does not diminish the agony and sheer sadness of some of them.  And, of course you are never prepared.

This past Christmas season, December 23rd as a matter of fact I had a collection of events develop where the two people closest to me (my 33 year old daughter and my husband of 25 years) were truly abandoning me emotionally. I had had a difficult few years.  Enough so that I separated from my husband for a year,  My daughter had no tolerance for that (he’s her stepfather by the way) since she was sure whatever the situation was it was my fault and had to be because I was “difficult.”  And my husband was bewildered, angry and resentful.  I was alone.  I’ve been alone before.  I was raised by a family that Tennessee Williams couldn’t match insofar as being alone.  Feeling alone was a misery quite comfortable to me.

But this time was different.  I was sure I was losing my sanity, my mind and my will to live.  I was being abandoned by my daughter and husband at the end of my life (I’m 64) and I came into this life emotionally abandoned by my own mother and physically abandoned by my father at 2 1/2 years old.  So I was feeling “poor me” with tears I couldn’t hide,

My husband at our home in New Jersey was being “snarly” as I called it after I thought I made so many concessions to try and make our marriage work (more on that with other entries) so I was not feeling “in the spirit” or “at home”.  My daughter, with the best of intentions, invited me to her house in San Diego for the holidays since I was miserable.  But remember she has her own feelings and necessity for distance from this situation.  She’s disappointed I may leave this marriage like I left her father years ago.  And, she’s a therapist so of course she has this whole thing all sorted out in her own mind regardless of what may be her own emotional vulnerabilities and not so objective skewing of what is happening.

So I ran (flew in every sense of the word) to San Diego on December 22.  Well that didn’t bring much relief to me since from the beginning I got on her first nerve about everything from not using a coaster to not washing my coffee cup. Really?  I’m the mom and I’m walking on eggshelves.  In the state I was in I took responsibility for everything.  If she’s behaving spoiled, self absorbed, selfish and thoughtless that must be my fault too. She is who I raised yes?

My husband and I were fighting on the phone in the middle of the night I arrived.  My daughter was rolling her eyes like she was 16 all over again and I was weeping.  By the way I’ve never cried before.  No one ever saw me cry since I was a child but now quietly, without sobs I was weeping and weeping and weeping.  My daughter said “ what’s wrong with you mom.”  And I just said “ I’m having a hard time and sorry but it’s up there with a life crisis.”  And then, and then, now in the early morning of December 23rd she threw up her arms, rolled her eyes and said “oh God what’s with the drama Queen?”

That shut me up, closed me up and tore me up inside,  it was 10:00 in the morning and then SHE said “I think you should leave.”  Now I stopped weeping.  I stopped breathing.  I just couldn’t believe this,  There was nowhere for me to go.  I know no one else there.  It was Christmas... I had to go back.  From awful in San Diego to miserable in New Jersey.  I thought this was a badly written Lifetime movie.

I stayed calm.  I’m very proud and stubbornly independent.  I packed.  I call the airlines and found the ONLY FLIGHT leaving that day was the Red Eye at 9:0O PM that night.  It was now 10:30 in the morning.  I booked it, showered,  dressed, packed and sat in her living room at 11:00.  I can, thankfully, keep my mind occupied with my gadgets.  I read, play games, write.  So long idle hours DONT scare me.  But, but, but, now she sat across from the couch from me and quietly said:  “I’m sorry mom but I think you should leave now.”

Now?  Now?  Go to the airport now at 11:00 in the morning when my flight wasn’t leaving for ten hours.  Sit at the airport alone for 10 hours?

I stayed calm BUT the tears were streaming again, my throat was aching again, I wasn’t even sure I was breathing but I would maintain my dignity, waste no time fighting and just go.  I called a car service, stood up, dragged my little wheeling suitcase outside to the corner and cried and cried and cried.  Couldnt hide it.  Couldn’t stop it.  Couldn’t imagaine what this all meant and what hwould happen after this.  Could this ever be repaired?

I was standing at the corner and remember trying to maintain all the dignity I could muster.  But I was weeping and weeping and weeping.  I couldn’t stop.  At some short point after that my daughter shuffled with her fluffy slippers to give me the least sincere hug I’ve experienced outside of a business get together.  Then she shuffled back to her house.

Then my Lyft driver arrived.   A tiny little car with what looked like a tall, lanky, young guy inside.  He was all sunshine and California healthy looking.  Once I got into the car, he realized I was crying.  I think the whole block must have been waiting for me to fall to my knees.  He confirmed my airline and... then...looked at me in the rear view mirror... and delicately and sweetly asked me if I felt like talking.  I barely whispered “no, but thank you for asking.”  He told me he wasn’t being nosy but could listen if I needed it.  Then we drove silently to the airport.  Not a long drive.

When we got there he got out of his tiny little car.  He had to be at least 6’ 2”. He got my bag and brought to me.  And then he said... after a pause I suppose for him to consider it... “Do you need a hug?”

I was dumstruck, still weeping, totally surprised and looked at him... thought about it for about 3 seconds and said “Yes.”  And he walked to me and gave me a real caring meaningful loving connecting human hug!  He then said bye, walked to his car and drove away.

My Lyft driver gave me a lift having so many definitions.  He gave me a “gift” I will never forget, always cherish and be reminded what can be wonderfully surprising it n our lives.