Coming Back or Going Forward?
Past Endolesence now. Stepping into the last "stage" if you will. Old. Old enough to die. Old enough to hopefully have come up with some wisdom to carry and, with earned perspective, adjust to the experiences over so much time.
And it's been a long time since I've been here. So it looks like the last time I wrote anything here was in 2018. My how the world has changed. I should look back in my photos to see all I was up to since then. Let me see...oh my... it looks like Warren was born, Ocean Grove was done (including visits from Sasha, et al and that guy from Vermont I think? and my fishing attempts in the ocean), I had that fabulous experience going into the city when "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" was being filmed, did random art work, Kathe visited for her birthday where we shared crazy slipper wearing (was that her first visit?), Maggie's engagement pictures were beautiful, we had a Retarus party at our house, Maggie and Satin had their engagement party in San Diego, Dylan was sick, I made those awesome paper flowers (succulents), and then the fantastic mobiles for the girls, Maggie was pregnant, and I got to go to her wonderful baby party in Dallas, and then in January 2020 - the girls were born, and then a million pictures of Mia and Layla, and then the apartment in Bankers' Hill, and those really novel, pretty Christmas cards I hand drew for everyone, and a lot more baby pictures and Maggie and all the girls here in Allendale, and me trying on 'Mother of the Bride' dresses everywhere (it had to be perfect), and then fireworks and our new deck furniture it seems, Lucy, our European adventure (have to review and relook at that someday - it was some trip), and ooooh "the takedown" happened sometime during the time, getting ready for the wedding at the apartment, the wedding rehearsal, the wedding, the experience at the last Airbnb, pumpkin picking with the girls and little Scott, Halloween and Sharks with the girls, Christmas at home here with the girls, the coming of the Elf, I joined the Woman's Club, more of the Elf into 2022, and omg LEGO!, more pics of visits of the girls and so much fun with them, Elmo at the airport (on my luggage I suppose for the girls as a pic to send), and then the theatre, more pics of the girls, me trying or actually selling on Poshmark (then too much buying), oooh my first and only hike with Lynn and friends, more of the girls, oh and such fun making props (the flowers for the funeral bouquets as an example), the return of the Elf, more Woman's Club stuff, my beautiful Lady A, oh and that's right I was sick for that first Fashion Show, and by then sometime I had really (with help) actually cleaned out the basement, The Play that Goes Wrong (!) and the caricatures I did for the wall, the 2023 Fashion Show and the modeling (no pleathure shorts), the beginnings of Cooper, the bird's nest on the deck, the visit to the mid-point with Allie and Maggie, Cooper arriving and we are here. Wow and in all of that I don't see the pandemic, signs of Frank's diagnosis and where I am now. But so much has happened! Wow!
I suppose not bad for a span of about five years. Certainly wasn't boring. And, it shows a lot (of course it would they are MY pictures) of what I have done, I instigated, I made happen, I can do! That deserves a wow for me. And now what?
I was thinking just this morning, that now especially, I have to commit myself to finding something of joy from each day, something to give me meaning for a life well lived and a life going forward. I have no illusions, actually I have no visions of what is immediately in front of me. How sick am I going to be from this treatment? How committed will I be to keep on going -- to keeping my attitude positive and my motion forward? Where will Frank be? Where will Frank and I be? I'm asking this as I have no idea of how Chris or Allie have reacted (they certainly haven't yet responded) to my letter. Does Frank know yet?
My 70th birthday was just amazing. Maggie was here! Lady A was here! Cristina is a gift. Even Chris and Ally and Tyler came up here, Little Scott was here. And my beautiful necklace that means so much to me. I am surrounded by the people I love and that I care for and who love me. That was all so very good and enriching.
I like that with Maggie/s admonition about getting back into bed (after the surgery) just days before that where Maggie had said "you're just not normal mom." I relish that in a way even with my trying all of my life to be "normal" or to belong to something "normal" whatever that may mean. I am not, so I should instead celebrate that.
And now here I am. The first treatment this Friday and I have, not willingly, joined a new club. And I am scared. I am terrified. I am alone in this. This is the way it is isn't it? But there some things that one does do alone aren't there? Is this where I have to be brave? I hope I can be brave, whatever that means. Lady A doesn't think I should do it. She thinks (after talking with her many friends) I should be getting a second opinion. Should I be? Am I being foolish for trusting in the doctors I have. The experience so far (under the dark circumstances) has been good. I have felt supported and as if I have a proactive team of sorts caring for me. That is true isn't it.
Man this is the place where you want to call out "Mommy" even having not had a real time and comfort to reach out to one that was there. This is the real "scared" in the state of being frightened. You can't be more frightened that that which is whether you or going to live or how much longer you are going to live or under what circumstances you are going to live. This is hard. There are really no words for how hard this is. I've just come to think about Kevin and what he must be going through.
Is this a Blog or a Personal Journal? Well, this is personal. TMI?
Anyway, I have to think of a new name, a new label, a new heading for this next chapter
